Ignorance. Indifference. Prejudice. These are but a few of the obstacles we Targeted Parents must overcome.  People do not know about about narcisstic abuse by a mentally ill spouse. People do not understand abnormal psychology. Not even highly trained mental health professionals are capable of dealing with abnormal psychology.  Society believes in the fairness and good intentions of the justice system. Our experience is completely different than their experience. Our REALITY is completely foreign to theirs.  Others think there is something wrong wth us because they do not understand the pathology.

Most, if not all of our former spouses suffer from a cluster B type personality disorder as defined by the American Psychological Association in their DSM-5. The most common forms of this type of mental illness is Borderline and/or Narcissistic  personality disorder with histrionic and sociopathic filling in the remainder.  Most sociopaths and histrionics cannot disguise their mental illness and usually do not enter into intimate relationships with marriage and children. The Narcissists (NPD) and Borderline (BPD) are extremely adept at hiding their true selves. This form of camouflage and illusion is a form of self preservation, a skill they have developed in order to meet their own selfish desires and needs.  Their need is for admiration, protection and what they believe is "love".  They feel they did not receive this love as children and therefore must get it now in adulthood.  Their deep desire for this "love" is so essential they will lie, cheat, and manipulate others to get their fix. This is one of the many symptoms of a personality disorder and also demonstrates the differences between a normal ranged person and a mentally ill person.  


     When we talk about or circumstances, many people judge us. They will say or think to themselves "there must be a reason why you don't have custody/visitation with your children".  When they hear your level of emotional response, your pleas for help and justice their beliefs are only reinforced by our level of emotions, irrationality hopelessness and frustration. They do not know that our exes have BRAINWASHED the children into choosing between one parent or the other. What decent parent does that?!? It is so beyond the level of rational behavior they cannot believe it, yet it is exactly what we are dealing with.  The behaviors of the Alienating parent (AP) are so far fetched, so reprehensible, so malicious and evil that decent people cannot comprehend. This is why when we seek help from others we our pleas fall upon deaf ears.  "No one can be that bad", "no one would do that", "I know your ex, they aren't like that" these people do NOT know our spouses. They only know the façade our spouses displayed, in order to lie, cheat, manipulate and steal for the "love" they feel they never have recei vd previously.

     Society views these people as victims and they use this as another tool in their arsenal. People also believe the justice system  and even Family Law courts are fair and just. Courts are merely an extension of government. Government is in a position of authority over people and the courts are abusing that privilege.  Through various Federal laws and acts, local governments and courts are extracting Federal funds for local benefits. Title-4D of the Social Security Act is the biggest cause of this egregious siphoning of taxpayer dollars. Sec. 451. [42 U.S.C. 651] - Sec. 469B. [42 U.S.C. 669b]  actually incentivized courts to make unfair and unjust rulings in family law cases. This is why we are fighting against an immovable wall., with the harder we hit, the harder we get hurt. 

     We must  educate society, courts, family friends and mental health professionals in all of these aspect that we are up against before we can affect any change. The fight against Parental Alienation is not just about the children. It is about educating and transforming the beliefs and mindsets of judges, attorneys, mental health professionals and society as a whole. We must educate ourselves first in all of these areas before we can begin to educate everyone else that has a stake in our fight to protect our children.  We must first change the ignorance, indifference and prejudices against us and gain new allies in our fight before we can defeat parental alienation.  

     

      We must be able to return to normal. We had lives before we married these pyschopaths, we must find our lives again. 

      What were your hobbies before you got married and had children? What is on your bucket list? Do those things!! Go back to school, jump out of an airplane, go on a safari, go for your dream job!! Do it! You must return (or go towards for the first time) all of your dreams and goals!! 

       Our pyschopathic exes want us to suffer, to writhe in pain and agony. They are mentally ill individuals that thrive on abuse and control. If they can affect you still, they will!! Move on with our own lives. Be happy! 

      There also comes a time when our children grow up, leave the nest and decide or not if they choose to have a relationship (and what kind) with us. Well, due to our crazy circumstances we are on the accelerated timeline. That fork in the road has already passed. Part of our problem is since our exes were nuts, we invested even more into our children. That was the only NORMAL we were allowed to have! They became our little saviors! 

      Get past that. Move forward and upward with your own lives. We are strong! We carried all that dead weight for years and we survived! Now that we have ditched the deadweight, see how fast, how high you can excel!!!

      Am I saying give up the fight? Of course not! Unless of course the fight is all consuming. Blocking and preventing us from living! Who are we helping at that point? We behave crazily, filing motions against the other parent, giving them ammunition to use against YOU to the children! The psychopath continues to win. Stop the game. As long as we are still playing the game, the psychopath affects us. That is what THEY want. To them it is about revenge, hurt, and suffering. They feel due to their psychopathic worldview that WE HURT THEM by leaving. Of course we left because we got tired of THEIR ABUSE! 
Unplug. Live your life, be happy, be successful.
That is how WE WIN!!

                                           Taken from a Facebook post with permission of the author.

I hope you all caught the live internet radio talk show this evening. I was able to speak with some other parents that have gone or are still going through this horrendous ordeal. Going back over my notes, I realized I might not have gone over everything I wanted to get across. The big picture of eliminating parental alienation is, as we all know, multifaceted. There are so many challenges to overcome every step of the way. So let me recap the strategies I think we can utilize to win;

1. local support groups 
2. educate the Targeted Parents 
3. educate the MH professionals, APA
4. legislate PA as a crimnal act

I discussed these in detail on the show, but in case you missed it.

1. local support groups - Targeted Parents need to know they are NO LONGER ISOLATED. They also need to find other people that know exactly what they are going through. Friends and family are great but fellow TP's can help each other even more. Too many TP's are committing suicide over the loss of everything. Like we said before, if we can help our fellow TP's through just one more day, its a victory!

2. there is a lot of craziness that we just escaped. Usually an abusive and mentally ill ex spouse has really done a number on us. For new TP's that have no idea what to expect, they can rely on us "Old Dogs" to get them through. Also in every group there will be someone more knowledgable with the laws, or psychological issues, or someone more nurturing than ourselves and someone that can help keep everyone focused. We all benefit from each others strengths once we are in a group. Cavemen came together for protection, strength and security, we can too! One group is even sharing legal documents for other members that are pro se! (GREAT IDEA!!!!)

3. Once we get the TP into a better place and they can be proactive and not lock the doors, close the blinds and cry into our pillows all day (ask me how I know) Then we can begin to petition the APA (one petition is already active and almost on its way to their offices!) Bring awareness to the public (as in tonight's radio program) and maybe even start our own local support group! (there are approximately 22 million of us all over the country, as much as I'd love to have you all  to my place, you need to have these meetings closer to you).  

4. When we locate State Assembly members/Senators amenable to our cause ("friends") we can then push towards legislation that will eliminate parental alienation. The debate might not be over yet, but 50/50 shared parenting is a good place to start (please don't log off and curse me now!) I think the realities and practicalities as well as the logistics of real life will work itself out in each case.  (Usually marriages with  crazies do not have multiple children, all it takes is one child  to ensnare the normal parent, and by then the normal parent realizes something isn't quite right....)

So that is my simple and strategic plan to end parental alienation. 
If you have any great ideas or ways to make it better, please let me know! Remember, we are the nice, NORMAL parents that DO NOT think in black and white, all or nothing thinking, so even if we disagree, we can still figure something out! (sometimes it takes awhile to realize there ARE good people out there!)

And until we get these changes made be sure to register your abusive alienating NPD/BPD pathogenic ex on our registry page!!!! It'll put a smile on your face, I promise!!!(its also a cathartic step in getting our power back!)

​Until next time, be sure to love one another!

     Some people are curious as to why a registry? Am I angry? Spiteful? Vengeful? Not in the least. I understand I may never see my own child again. I have dealt with that. She may come around when she turns eighteen, it might be longer than that, it might be never. No one can go on living in such a manner.  
 
        I have come to the realization that my child may have (or has) already developed the same mental illness her mother has (or at least many traits characteristic of the mental illness) If she were a stranger, I would choose NOT to associate with her. NOT ONE BIT! I hope that you all too can gain the strength and clarity to realize that once you get out of an abusive, toxic relationship, you DO NOT EVER go back!!! Right now, any relationship with my child would be toxic too.  She has already clearly demonstrated the parroted actions and words of her pathogenic mother.  Why would anyone subject themselves to that again. I have realized that the behaviors demonstrated by the alienating parent are ABUSE, are HARMFUL, and are CRIMINAL! just because our government does not officially recognize it as such does not mean it affects us any less.  They want to behave like criminal, we should treat them as such.

In many (all?) states there is a child pedophile/abuser/sex offender registry. Those monsters have hurt children. So have the ones we are dealing with. If it important enough for the state to identify such monsters then it is societies job (OUR JOB) to identify the monsters too.
     

"In the event of an emergency put your oxygen mask on first, before belong others."

We hear this every time we board an airplane to go on a trip. It means that you have to help yourself first. If you are fiddling around with the safety devices, the ones that will save your life, you won't be able to get it on , YOU will become unconscious and YOU will NOT be able to help others.  If you put yours on first, then you can help others with theirs.  This applies not only to an airplane, but in ALL rescue situations. If you put yourself at risk, you are only adding to the body count. Why am I saying such harsh things when I'm talking about our children, our most precious things on earth? Because if we can not seek the help WE need then we will NEVER be able to help our children.

When in an abusive relationship (if it wasn't, then you are either in denial then, or you are NOT truly dealing with PA now) it is difficult to reach out and get help. Just like when you're in a car crash, you can't be outside of the car warning yourself, or guiding other cars from hitting you too. You're just along for the ride. And it is a rough one. Some are more insidious than others. Some take years to be fully recognizable, and with the cunning adroit of our former professional abusers, difficult to identify. 

So you feel like HELL, but you don't know why.  It got to the point that, as bad as it sounds, you hoped that your spouse would just not make it home tonight. It would be better for them to just disappear. The kids could still have decent memories of them, all of your friends and family could join in your relief and you wouldn't have to be the bad guy by leaving them.  Alas, it never happens that way. You end up getting the courage to STOP the abuse, to end the madness, to save yourself. You may try to take the kids with you. You might have been successful at first. Then either your ex lies, plays victim, convinces your kids or the court to take the kids away from you. The kids, the one thing that kept you in the relationship. The one thing that kept you sane, the only thing that gave you joy in the  horrible relationship. They know this. That is why they do it. To the emotionally stunted (underdeveloped) ex-spouse, YOU have HURT THEM!!!! In what kind of topsy turvy upside mad, mad world is this?!?!

You must retreat  and tend to your wounds before the next battle. The first step in getting better from an abusive relationship is to acknowledge you were (are) in one.  I'm sure within weeks of you escaping the hell that was your marriage, you are already beginning to feel different. Better. Freer. Then the guilt of not having your babies comes back and you feel rotten again. This up and down emotional roller coaster that YOU are putting yourself through is only hurting yourself. "Put your oxygen mask on first". It feels selfish but you have to save yourself first. YOU have to get better. Your psychopathic ex has attorneys, the courts and all of your former friends and family on their side. You have nothing. Maybe some friends and family left from years of being isolated. You MUST seek their help. And not in financial or legal help (although that would be nice too). You will need some social and emotional support. You will need some friends and family to help you. You need to find yourself again. For years you have been the abused slave to the manipulating and abusive psychopath and you didn't even know (maybe you did, but you went along with it didn't you?) But now you are out and you must rediscover your authentic self. You just get back to being who you were years ago (don't worry, it WILL be a better version, I promise you!)

​

​ 

How do these people, whom we loved, who we gave our lives to, who we promised to share and live and love forever, get to be so mean? We all know what physical abuse is. Some of us here might even have bruises and scars to prove it.  Emotional abuse leaves scars too, but not of the visible kind.  According to Beverly Engel, author of several books on abuse, "Any behavior that is designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate another person through the use of degradation, humiliation, or fear, can be defined as EMOTIONAL ABUSE" (emphasis added).  "Emotionally abusive behavior ranges from verbal abuse (belittling, berating, constant criticism) to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to be pleased....examples include; humiliation and degradation, discounting and negating, domination and control, judging and criticizing, accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, emotional distancing and "silent treatment" isolation, withholding of attention or affection, disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments and behavior, sulking and pouting, subtle thereof abandonment (either physical or emotional). Emotional abuse is not only made up of negative behaviors but negative attitudes as well, i.e. believing that others should do as you say, not noticing how others feel, not caring how others feel, believing that everyone else is inferior to you, believing that you are always right...Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self confidence, sense of self worth, trust in his or her perceptions and self concept...Emotional abuse is considered by many to be the most painful form of violence and the most detrimental to self esteem....with emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self esteem until he or she is INCAPABLE of JUDGING a situation REALISTICALLY" (my emphasis added)

Any of those sound familiar? Probably too familiar? As in probably a picture of daily life in your old home? It was for me too.  Stay tuned for how to get help and begin to recover.

I used to lay awake in my bed at nights unable to sleep. I used to think of all the things I could have possibly  done that would deserve the ire of my daughter to such an extent.  The thought that I could do something to my most precious child, so horrible that she was justified in treating me this way. "you fucked up, you abandoned both of us, you're an adulterer, you're going to HELL" were the words that came out of her mouth when communicating with me.  How did this happen? What did I do to have my sweet daughter HATE me so.  It didn't make any sense.

My friends and family were confused too.  My attorney recommended a psychiatrist. Fortunately he was very familiar with borderline personality disorder. He was an older gentleman, probably past retirement age. He had personal and clinical experience with BPD's.  I got lucky.  If I had found any other MH Pro, they would not have been equipped to handle the situation with my ex wife.  In fact through eight years of counseling, three different marriage counselors, two court appointed custody evaluators, my church pastor  and a county social worker/mediator, NONE were able to detect her personality disorder.
Therein lies one of the biggest obstacles in Parental Alienation cases. Untrained, unskilled and inexperienced MH Pros. They are also afraid to diagnose individuals due to the "stigma" for the individual. Add to it that the longer they see you in their office (number of visits) the more money they make.  Now I am not saying that MH Pro's are con artists trying to scam more money out of you. They have bills to pay too you know.

Borderlines and Narcissists are the main culprits in PA cases. Their own messed up childhood traumas (or perceived maltreatment) have turned the abusees into the abusers!!!! I guess it is all that they know. 

Now that you have successfully left them (trust me, you ARE better off!) They feel that YOU have BETRAYED THEM! (I know, right?!)   You see, they do not know how to regulate their own emotions.  This is something you and I learned to do probably around Kindergarten. When yo got upset, the teacher, your parents or other loving caretaker taught you hoe to DEAL with stress and emotional upset.  This is also when we shed our security blankets, stuffed animals etc. Those were our coping mechanisms in a physical form. Some people learn to use food for this. Others never learn. These individuals become the hair pullers, skin cutters, paranoid cowards in the corner or bullies.  If they do not get their behaviors modified correctly, and if the emotional upset/traumas never cease, these people become Borderlines or Narcissists. 

Borderline is an interesting name. It was coined by a psychologist that describes the personality disorder on the "borderline" between neurotic and psychotic. The APA is considering changing the name to Emotional Intensity Disorder (or something like that) to better describe it.  We all know what Narcissists are. These "twin" disorders share many characteristic of which I know you are very familiar with.  
the DSM (the Bible for MH pros) lists symptoms for NPD;

1. Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others
2. Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness
3. Self-perception of being unique, and superior
4. Needing constant admiration of others
5. Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
6. Exploitative of others for personal gain
7. Unwilling to empathize with other's feelings, wishes or needs
8. Intensely envious of others and the belief that others are envious of them
9. Pompous and arrogant behavior

While BPD symptoms are;

1. Markedly disturbed sense of identity
2. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
3. Splitting (Black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking)
4. Severe impulsivity
5. Intense or uncontrollable emotional outburst, disproportionate to event or situation
6. Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships
7. Self damaging behavior
8. Distorted self image
9. Dissociation (emotional detachment)
10. Often accompanied by depression, anxiety,anger, substance abuse or rage

Both deal with conflict in ways that are psychologically unhealthy and often detrimental to those closest to them or themselves.

Both live with an intense fear of ABANDONMENT.  Yet, "intense and stormy relationships" are the norm for these people. (Self fulfilling prophecy, anyone?)

NPD's cannot look outside themselves and are thus emotionally unavailable and struggle to maintain relationships. "BPD's are often over-responsive to other's concerns, especially during the "idealization" phase of the courtship. But anger and resentment from putting the other's concerns first inevitably cycles around, causing resentment, at which point the relationship will enter the "devaluation" phase". 

These Personality Disordered individuals can not be in a normal relationship. We have been their Emotional Regulators (security blankets, stuffed animals, parents) for years and now we finally gave up on them, found strength in ourselves and dropped them like the bad habits they are!  They can not handle that even more!  To them, we have pulled the rug out from under their feet. We are no longer their emotional/physical punching bags.  They go into panic/survival mode. They, having dysfunctional childhoods have learned how to "survive on the streets" (but not how to live in a normal healthy relationship) so they do the only thing they know. Attack! In an adversarial setting you want these people on your side, right? They never back down, they need give up, they never lose. Because to them, every struggle, be it real or imagined becomes a fight for their very own survival.  Well, now in the adversarial setting of the Family Law Courtroom, we are finally on the receiving end of that.  This is why they can lie, cheat, make false allegations, keep fighting tooth and nail throw a temper tantrum, play the victim, essentially do ANYTHING they have to in order to win (really not to lose). They feel they have been the loser and on the the receiving end of things their entire life. This is why they go into battle every time now.  

So you see, it isn't that YOU did anything to warrant such bad behavior from your children. It is the other parent reacting to their perceived life or death struggle against YOU that the child, living with the other parent perceives and emulates.  MH Pro only detect the external hostility of the child towards YOU and their initial course of action is to believe the upset child. SO this is how YOU become the BAD GUY. If the untrained and inexperienced (and unqualified MH Pro) reports this to the Judge, then it is US that are screwed. Now we have a crazy ex, a colluding child and a MH Pro all saying that WE are the problem. 

So remember. It isn't you that is crazy. It is them!

See how simple that is..........


credit given to; Susan Heitler PhD, Psychology Today and Beverly Engel - The Emotionally Abusive Relationship 2002

I was in an abusive relationship for more than 15 years. I didn't realize that it was abusive. I just knew it wasn't good.  My ex told me that she was verbally, physically and sexually abused from her adoptive step father.  When I saw all of the yellow, orange and red flags pop up in our early relationship, she promised that she had received years of therapy and that she had worked through it all. What did I know? All I knew was that it was a whirlwind of a relationship and I wanted to get married and have a family.  Since she was almost 10 years older than me, I knew we had to hurry.  

It happened so fast. Too fast. We talked about getting married within weeks of first meeting.  She said she would "be willing to have a child" for me, even though she NEVER wanted kids. As the relationship progressed, I saw more and more RED flags and I expressed my concern and displeasure, but by then she was already pregnant. We were together less than six months and I was expecting the first family member of hopefully many! 

The first time I KNEW things were no longer good was when I went to have dinner with my coworkers while on a business trip. I told her later that night about it. I told her I had mexican food and had a margarita with my dinner.  She and I used to do the very same just a few months prior. When I got home from that work trip she demanded that I go to several weeks of couples counseling because I was "so inconsiderate and selfish" because I had a drink with dinner. I thought it was just her pregnant hormones especially due to the SEVERITY of her anger and upset. Little did I know that this was just the tip of the iceberg.

Living with a person that has borderline personality disorder is called euphemistically by mental health professionals (MH Pros) as "walking on eggshells."  This was my daily life for fifteen years. The only respite I got was when one of us would be on a work trip (we both travel for work).  I never knew what kind of mood she would be in day to day.  Life would go from one crisis to the next.  There was always something disastrous happening. I was always relieved when it was SOMEBODY else that she could blame and not me for some imagined or blown out of proportion wrong. Occasionally, and I mean like once or twice a year, she would return to that funny, sweet, person I fell in love with years prior. I think that was one of the things that kept me holding on. 

I stayed with her for several reasons. Mostly my daughter, the occasional glimmer of hope she would be pleasant, and my own distorted sense of duty and responsibility towards her, my family and to the institution of marriage itself. 

My biggest joy was spending time with my daughter. I taught her how to read, how to swim, how to do well in school and how to play with others. I helped in her classroom from pre-school until the teachers told me they didn't need parent volunteers anymore (fourth grade) nearly everyday.  I was Mr Mom. In fact I was not only the Room Dad, I was also an Honorary Girl Scout Troop leader, and even dressed up in the school mascot costume a couple of times. Why? Because not only did I love my child and want to help her and be there for her. I also needed to get out of the house while my ex was home!!!!!

When my daughter got old enough, and realized how impossible it was to please (appease) her mother, she actually told me that she "would understand if mom and I split up" and that she would "be ok with that". After attempting to leave several times prior, but always getting pulled back in by my ex using either my daughter, or family to drag me back in to the relationship and then enduring years of marriage counseling (8 out of our 15 years of marriage involved counseling!)  My daughter had given me the "GREEN LIGHT"to go!!  Within a couple of months I had planned my final escape. 

Now, you may be thinking, what kind of a man is afraid of his wife so much that he has to plan an escape after getting permission from his 14 year old daughter?!?!  Some of you may know that living with a BPD/NPD is a miserable, painful and fearful experience. They lie. they control you. They manipulate you. They make you think there is something wrong with YOU! In hindsight, and now that I am out of the woods, I can see the forest clearly. But while I was in, I had NO idea how bad things were.  I was stressed perpetually. It took a toll on my mental health.  It took a toll on my spirit. It took a toll on my physical health. I got cancer. Of course I didn't know I had cancer until AFTER I managed to break free. Ironically, while moving out (all by myself, because over 15 years she had managed to completely isolate me from any friends and family) I got a hernia from moving some heavy furniture.  Thank GOD!!! The hernia prompted me to get checked out and the CT scan showed I had a tumor in my kidney and it would have to be removed. 

If I remained until my daughter graduated high school in 2017, I would be dead. Kidney cancer has no symptoms until it is too late.  

On the night I moved my furniture into my new place, I brought my daughter to share it with her. My plan was to have her stay with me for the first week or so, so she could get used to the idea of her mom and dad being apart.  The place I got was across the street from her high school, it had a swimming pool and was pet friendly so the dogs could come with her whenever she wanted.  I thought it was going to work out pretty well.  My daughter was used to each of us being gone for about half the time already. She was excited and happy and looking forward to mom and dad not fighting anymore. But that night she didn't want her mom to come home from a work trip to an empty house and said she wanted to go home to spend the night there and then come back to my new place the next day. That was May 23, 2014.  I have not seen my daughter since.  

She now cusses me out via text when I contact her. She says I am the one that "messed up, abandoned THEM, have multiple affairs, going through a midlife crisis and am going go hell."  Funny, she never used any of those terms BEFORE, yet they did sound familiar.......I wonder where I had heard them before? We all know from who. 

I am now cancer free and am trying to get back to my normal job (I was prohibited from my job due to the cancer). I have spent all of my retirement savings on attorneys, custody evaluators (MH Pros, that aren't worth a penny!) medical bills and living expenses (since I have no income...). The money has dried up, both attorneys saw the writing on the wall and both bailed out. The ink has dried on the pretty much open ended settlement agreement. Now I have in writing everything I had from the very beginning, minus $100K. My daughter who will be 17 soon can "decide"whom she wants to live with/visit etc. Of course with the brainwashing we know who she has chosen to stay with so far.  She will realize that her mother is a "difficult person to live with" and maybe then seek me out for help. I move on day to day with open arms knowing that day might never come.

I have shared and will continue to share my experience with all of you. How to deal with certain things in the courts and what not  to do. I am not an attorney and I am not offering any legal advice. Just some friendly tips on how to help YOU get through all of this!!! Learn from my mistakes. There is no need to reinvent the wheel. Together we can fight parental alienation. Thank you for joining me in this club that NO one wants to be member of!!!

Come back here for more valuable tips and information for fighting Parental Alienation.